[08 July 2009]
gw gak bisa ngikutin jalan pikiran loe. gak ngerti deh.
kenapa loe perlu merendahkan sesuatu, seakan2 remeh dan tidak ada artinya. tanpa toleransi.
i once said that “no matter how bad i tried, i just can’t be bad”. but now that might have changed. and i hate myself for that. because i am bad ‘because’ of you. i decided to be bad to you. that made me a loser.
you hurt me. i accept, i lose.
you hurt me. i fight back, i lose.
you hurt me. i explain. you spit out the perfect argument. i banter once or twice. i lose.
you hurt me. i explain, your argument, mine, yours, mine, i might win, but i am drained. i lose.
fucked up.
what’s the meaning of winning and losing?
it’s all in the mind.
no matter what the situation is, you win if you can convince the other person that he has lost. the other way around is true. you lose if you are convinced that you are the loser. haha
so i lost no matter what.
i can so crush you everytime. i can just not tolerate. i can do the things you do. but that’s not me. i won’t allow it.
what’s the point?
maybe it’s all just a matter of expectation.
[07July2009]
i’m sorry i can’t apologize to you again. i am not going to let myself get hurt. not by you, not by me.
i don’t want to feel guilty just for something i create in my mind.
i used to give my hands to you, letting you cut it, and then feeling pain, both from the cut and also from the guilt and apology to myself.
not anymore. i will slowly walk my way out of it.
———-
jakarta
status: infected!
hahahaaa
banyak yang sakit akhir2 ini. Faktor utama: gw sendiri juga sakit, jadi porsi perhatian gw utk hal ini lebih banyak.
biasanya mungkin memang banyak yg sakit, tp nggak terlalu gw perhatiin.
———————
tadi ketemu gambar gitar keren sekali. gitar dg model pedang. pedang bersayap. uffff keren abis..
sleek!
————–
Besok nyontreng.
what does having a good command in english do for you?
are there things that would determine how good you will be in english?
do i like english because it follows my natural flow of thought? or is it the opposite? My flow of thought follows my preference for English?
——————
got an idea for a friend’s birthday. it’d kill.
i just hope i can approach and execute it the right way
Almost got home, around 4 more minutes. still in the car right now. Starts to get dizzy staring at the constantly-slightly-shaking screen.
from the sentence above you can actually synthetize some information about my habits.
Left my wallet at home, luckily after groping here and there i still have 15k for hokben we decided to order out of the blue.
————————–
there was a fire in the building across the road this afternoon. i can only see the thick white smoke (not gray, looks kind of too ‘clean’) and no fire. But I noticed that the people in my office were more excited than concerned seeing the fire. lol
aren’t we a bit too insensitive nowadays? hahahhaa
“whoa, look, there’s fire!”
where, where?
wow….
cool…
guys, it’s not a blockbuster movie. lol
[04 July 2009]
i might be turning into a … beeppp!
hehe, what could be behind the censor beep?
i have been so often in a situation where i can’t find the thing people are laughing at that funny at all. different sense of humour? am i just weird? or are they exaggerating? did they lose their minds? am i too rigid? sinical?
apa lucunya ya? hmmm
something hilarious. the most hilarious thing is the thing i can’t laugh at.
btw, flaws i see in other people is actually things i don’t like in myself. what i see in others as a mistake is exactly what i hate about myself.
self hatred.
whoa.
wtf. is this still a decent outlet for my profanity and outburst?
because real world is not a proper place to practice it. karma karma. i have bad karma. huhu
recent days i have an unstable emotional state. i get pissed off very easily. feeling unappreciated.. pissed off. feeling insecure, pissed off.
pissed off with others, pissed off with myself. yay piss all the way. ewww….
smacks self on the forehead. cmon, keep it together.
remember remember,
don’t make any assumptions
always do my best
don’t take anything personally
aah, i can’t remmeber the other one.
practice is the key. it’s the secret.
so, i discovered a secret. a secret to success. this is guaranteed, 101%. PRACTICE.
btw, fixed BMA’s website problem earlier. Know what causes it? Disk Space! lol
silly. It’s a perfect example for the illustration about the mechanic that comes down to fix a submarine, when he only knocks on one spot, and then explained the bill as “knocking on the spot: 1$. knowing where to knock: $999″. lol. something like that.
practicing OLB, hoping to be able to sing and play correctly. ganbatte.
[03 July 2009]
i am writing again. i write something. i open my notepad and start typing. and then i get distracted by an sms. hurray. arghh concentrate, focus.
struck down by a sore throat and dizzyness yesterday, in the verge of a fever. i can feel this is a heavy one, because i rarely rarely rarely get sick. and i think suggestion also plays a big role in this.
i have so many things i want to sort out. the thoughts, feelings, i want to get them out. and own them forever. in words. overwhelmed overwhelmed overwhelmed overwhelmed.
needyness, i hate. i try to be strong.
she can’t make up her mind
she needs to check with others first.
she doesn’t know it.
the blade has two eyes, and it’s cutting both ways.
dripping from the nose. argh.
btw, the feeling has went away. the 4-year-long love for love.
it has been replaced with another object of sufferance.
phew.
i became more and more convinced that i have a reversing mind. i notice more things i thought would be turned out wasn’t, and things i thought would happen always turn out the total opposite. Not that i want them to happen, but it’s just a funny thing i notice.
I won’t plan a thing. and things i don’t plan just got executed at the perfect time, and worked out the way i liked it to be.
i write in passive voice. i like it. it’s natural to me.
i will never really know myself.
actually i want to say ‘her’. but maybe myself is the better word.
plans for tomorrow won’t be happening. the next day also. maybe it’s working out for the best? rest assured that i am fine. i am fine. fine fine fine.
do i sound like i have a mental illness? lol
i think i’m obsessed. i am infatuated.
nothing’s right or wrong. they just are
i know it’s gonna hurt in the end. i guess i’m just being a daredevil, waiting for the right time to jump off. for the sake of adrenaline, pride, challenge.
i know he loves me. i love him too. unconditional. i just hope he sees it. and stop trying. cause no matter what he does or doesn’t, the love is there. the distrust hurts me.
i am hiding behind this LCD screen, on top of my words. organizing. vulnerable.
desperate
silly.
heat on my forehead, oozing out my nostrils. enjoying this illness. getting down with the sickness.
sometimes i feel fake. this is the side of me i never show. side of me i haven’t found the person to show it too, to slowly peel off the onion layers. or haven’t found the courage to ask anybody.
pathetic.
yep, pathetic, yay~! lol
it’s not the looks, it’s not the intimidation, not the boyishness, not the shallowness, maybe it’s the electrifying layer, hard to penetrate. never showed the real me. is it? why? i don’t think so. never mind.
woke up to impress
aah, started to sweat. yay. looks like i need to cancel tomorrow’s plan. i dunno. do i have to ignore it? or just because of the mind control? instead i got controlled.
mind games.
wow. My Curse is an awesome song.
feeling better already after a day of napping, and after taking a fever med.
left my wallet last week with b, she’s coming down to campus and will give it to ko1.
sniff2
geek
i hate the way you make me feel. the games you play.
Avril – I Can Do Better
Satu lirik lagu yang baru gw perhatiin kemaren ini, dan bener2 empowering, did not notice it before. Nice Av, finally something in your song i can relate to:
Couldn’t give a damn what you say to me
I don’t really care what you think of me
Cause either way you’re gonna think what you believe
There’s nothing you could say that would hurt me
true true.
All there is to life?
if one day you woke up and realize that you already achieved all your goals, are living your dream. will you say “okay, that’s all there is to life. i am grateful”, step out of the bed and shoot yourself on the head?
I am just me
I am just me. I am not better than other people, not worse, not even the same. I am just me.
that’s freeing.
competition, judgement,
social conditioning
human nature.
why are we killing ourselves?
who are we kidding?
Social conditioning
@tre: New word, old concept: “Social conditioning”.
It is the word that represents all the ’should’, ‘could’ and ‘would’ in human life. Expectation, stereotype, ‘ideal’ parent, ideal child, ideal person. What’s good morally and what’s bad. Which religion to follow and which to condemn.
I think, up until now, (and i am not saying it won’t be the case in the future), i still live under heavy social conditioning. If not, what made me do all the things a 23 year old ’should be doing’ and ’should have done’? Get good grades at school, go to good college, hand out my papers on time, graduating on time, getting a ‘real’ job after college, get a descent salary, more recommended at a medium-large company.
All for what? What’s the purpose?
Run the rat race, chase after ’success’ and acknowledgement. When you are there, you realize that you are back to square one. Plus with everything to lose, everything that comes with the success becomes a burden, and you are left with no time to even LIVE.
I have always had this opinion that every single person is unique. and nobody must force or be forced to become someone they are not, or do the things they don’t naturally lean towards to.
But nonetheless, don’t take this too seriously. I am not a wise-ass. This is just part of my growth, it’s one point in my journey. Journey with no destination, lol. But it doesn’t matter. What counts is the ups and downs.
Anyway, I am currently looking for some reference on how to articulate my thoughts more clearly, express ideas, communicate concepts. I think there is still a large improvement area for my communication style. I aim to reach these three states: assertivity, brevity and clarity.
I am also trying to get more comfortable to be under the spotlight instead of squirming away and let others be the center of the attention all the time.
Ok, so from what I have gathered so far, to convey something clearly, I have to have thorough understanding on whatever I want to say. I actually know this. So perhaps, I don’t really have problem in conyeying ideas. My problem lies in understanding ideas. Haha… that comes out funny. How come this is? I am extremely good with abstract concepts, philosophizing. huh, perhaps that’s why.
Concrete ideas get communicated, fuzzy, up-in-the-cloud, socrates-y ideas are for pure entertainment.
Action plan: Play with different concepts, practice describing them in my own words. Use my sleepy lazy brain, wake up wake up!
Some keywords that will help in researching this topic:
social conditioning, convey ideas clearly, think clearly, communicate effectively, articulate thoughts clearly, communicate what you think
too many tags = ambiguity = bad communication. hahaa….
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