[09 July 2009]
it feels good to be healthy. i can shower in the middle of the night again. lol
been in a “flash-mode” this 5 past hours. i even shower fast.
going to the immigration office to get my picture taken for a new passport.
trying to upload a new video. it’s the third attempt. hate when it happens. waiting to 30mb or so to get uploaded, and the nfinding out that it has failed with no apparent reason.
created the new channel. just start new. whatever. i think it’ll be ‘polluted’ eventually.
rencana mendadak ke spore lebaran ini. asik2…
[07July2009]
i’m sorry i can’t apologize to you again. i am not going to let myself get hurt. not by you, not by me.
i don’t want to feel guilty just for something i create in my mind.
i used to give my hands to you, letting you cut it, and then feeling pain, both from the cut and also from the guilt and apology to myself.
not anymore. i will slowly walk my way out of it.
———-
jakarta
status: infected!
hahahaaa
banyak yang sakit akhir2 ini. Faktor utama: gw sendiri juga sakit, jadi porsi perhatian gw utk hal ini lebih banyak.
biasanya mungkin memang banyak yg sakit, tp nggak terlalu gw perhatiin.
———————
tadi ketemu gambar gitar keren sekali. gitar dg model pedang. pedang bersayap. uffff keren abis..
sleek!
————–
Besok nyontreng.
what does having a good command in english do for you?
are there things that would determine how good you will be in english?
do i like english because it follows my natural flow of thought? or is it the opposite? My flow of thought follows my preference for English?
——————
got an idea for a friend’s birthday. it’d kill.
i just hope i can approach and execute it the right way
Almost got home, around 4 more minutes. still in the car right now. Starts to get dizzy staring at the constantly-slightly-shaking screen.
from the sentence above you can actually synthetize some information about my habits.
Left my wallet at home, luckily after groping here and there i still have 15k for hokben we decided to order out of the blue.
————————–
there was a fire in the building across the road this afternoon. i can only see the thick white smoke (not gray, looks kind of too ‘clean’) and no fire. But I noticed that the people in my office were more excited than concerned seeing the fire. lol
aren’t we a bit too insensitive nowadays? hahahhaa
“whoa, look, there’s fire!”
where, where?
wow….
cool…
guys, it’s not a blockbuster movie. lol
[06 July 2009]
one of the human nature is comparing.
you show me your cards
whack you in the face
[04 July 2009]
i might be turning into a … beeppp!
hehe, what could be behind the censor beep?
i have been so often in a situation where i can’t find the thing people are laughing at that funny at all. different sense of humour? am i just weird? or are they exaggerating? did they lose their minds? am i too rigid? sinical?
apa lucunya ya? hmmm
something hilarious. the most hilarious thing is the thing i can’t laugh at.
btw, flaws i see in other people is actually things i don’t like in myself. what i see in others as a mistake is exactly what i hate about myself.
self hatred.
whoa.
wtf. is this still a decent outlet for my profanity and outburst?
because real world is not a proper place to practice it. karma karma. i have bad karma. huhu
recent days i have an unstable emotional state. i get pissed off very easily. feeling unappreciated.. pissed off. feeling insecure, pissed off.
pissed off with others, pissed off with myself. yay piss all the way. ewww….
smacks self on the forehead. cmon, keep it together.
remember remember,
don’t make any assumptions
always do my best
don’t take anything personally
aah, i can’t remmeber the other one.
practice is the key. it’s the secret.
so, i discovered a secret. a secret to success. this is guaranteed, 101%. PRACTICE.
btw, fixed BMA’s website problem earlier. Know what causes it? Disk Space! lol
silly. It’s a perfect example for the illustration about the mechanic that comes down to fix a submarine, when he only knocks on one spot, and then explained the bill as “knocking on the spot: 1$. knowing where to knock: $999″. lol. something like that.
practicing OLB, hoping to be able to sing and play correctly. ganbatte.
[8oclock] 1 April 09
yep. nih jam 8 pagi, lagi nunggu evy di kasir.
tumben hari ini siap2nya agak cepet. well, bukan siap2nya sih yg jadi penyebab utama. secara gw bangun lebih cepet dari biasa, dan lebih cepet segar juga. Gw nggak ingat sih tepatnya gw tidur jam brp, tp jam 6 teng udah sempet melek sekali, gw terusin sampe jam 7 kurang 5 menit.
jadi, berhub masih kira2 30 menit lagi evy baru sampai, gw keluarin dulu nih laptop, ngetik2 dikit lah.
kemaren alfin SMS ada yg bagus. Isinya kira2 gini: Kalau kita bilang tinggal di penjara itu enak, pasti kita dibilang gila. Tapi kalau kita sudah dipenjara dan tidak bisa merasakan enak, bisa2 kita gila beneran. Artinya, dalam situasi sulit pun kita mesti bisa memetik ‘enak’ nya, menerima sambil berjuang untuk memperbaiki keadaan.
Yah, gw bales aja, ‘good analogy fin’. Dia balas, dimana gw baru tau bahwa dia denger kata2 itu dari penduduk SG pas kemaren itu dia jadi relawan di situ. Wuih, gw langsung bisa memaknai itu lebih dalam. Yah, memang org indonesia itu dasarnya optimis. Err… kayaknya gw harus mengganti kata2 ‘org indonesia’ di kalimat sebelumnya dengan ‘manusia’. Errmm… tp gak tau juga sih, apakah penggantian itu bisa dipertanggungjawabkan sepenuhnya. Too full of steretyping.
Dah, let me say it like this:
orang SG itu punya pandangan yang optimistis mengenai hidup. Dia cinta hidupnya. Dia pasrah. Dia let go. Dia bodoh. Hmm?
Nggak deng. Gw nggak tau apa pikiran yg melandasi kata2nya itu, tp gw salut sama efek yang ditimbulkan kata2 itu.
Filosofi yang cukup bagus. Yang gw tangkap ke gw adalah bagaimana manusia menyesuaikan diri dengan keadaan. Dasarnya org suka santai, jadi terlalu cuek. Mendinginkan kepala untuk mencari solusinya. Solusi atas masalah yang pada awalnya mungkin ditimbulkan oleh kecuekan nya itu sendiri (katanya itu tanggul udah retak dari awal tahun). Eh.. tp apa sih yg bisa dilakukan? Apakah harus mencari campur tangan pemerintah? Nggak juga sih ya, bisa aja inisiatif datang dari masyarakat itu sendiri. Tp mgkn kita terlalu sibuk ngurusin tetek bengek rutinitas sehari2. Procrastinate, cuek, nyantai, laid back.
eh… barusan gw ngesave ini tulisan, biasa lah, gw rapiin, taro di folder berdasarkan bulan. Gw baru sadar, ini tanggal 1 April. Hahahahhaa…. Sudah terlalu tua kah utk main April mop? Never mind.
Baru jam 8:13 gitu. Apa kabar betsy dkk ya? Pengen nghubungin tp kok malas. Entah malas entah apa deh perasaan yang membuat gw tidak menjalankan niat ini. Meskipun gw tau bahwa dengan menghubungi, nothing bad can come from it. At least nothing that i know of consciously. Apakah secara bawah sadar, atau secara tidak langsung gw lagi seek pleasure dan avoiding pain?
What pain can come from contacting my best friends?
hey. I express my thought better in English.
What pain yah… hmmm… let’s think.
I fear rejection. Sometimes i have no topics, and i felt bad because I cannot carry on the conversation as i like it. as i imagined it’s supposed to go in my head. All perfect and idealistic. Almost like a scenario. It’s pain from not getting what i expected.
hey, i learn somthing brand new from today’s writing session. One of the reasons I don’t call my friends is because i am avoiding a pain. A pain that comes from lack of confidence of my conversation skill. While now if I think about it, it’s all in my head. I imagined it all. The perfect conversation -> goal. The failed conversation -> most possible case. The actual thing that happen? Never knew, because i dismissed the plan before it even manifested.
How can I discipline myself? I know writing can give me a lot of advantages, help me improve things i have been setting in my ‘to do list’. Stuff like ‘organize thoughts better’, ‘communicate with confidence’, ‘eliminate conversation anxiety’, ‘learn how to carry on conversations’. But somehow I can always find a reason not to do it, avoiding pain. Let’s find out what pain do i derive from writing? How can it overpower the pleasure that i consciously know i will get?
[letting the concepts sink in]….
[plugging in earphone, winamp on]
this is brainstorming. mind dumping. transforming thoughts into a more concrete form, words. Even though it might corrupt the meaning, the intention, the value of the concept that i have in my head initially. (because words are limiting, putting restrictions on abstract wholesome ideas).
05 nov 08 – bad mood day?
apakah anda sedang bad mood hari ini? Saya sih sama sekali tidak. Tapi sudah 3 teman2 saya yang sedang bad mood2nya. salah satunya bahkan mengatakan orang2 di kantornya pun mengaku ke dia sedang bad mood. ada apa dengan hari ini? hmmm…… 
justwrite – 1Nov08 – first spill
aahh, ok. mulai dari mana ya. just need to write. express thoughts. why think anyway? but that’s another topic. hmmm…. i think i cannot think clearly yet. gw cenderung memasang mode ‘malas mikir’ ketika bertemu permasalahan yang butuh pemikiran. alhasil gw jadi (makin | merasa | mengira diri) bodoh. ah berat ah pembicaraannya. ganti dulu.
itu kapan2 aja pas lain kali dimana jam tidak menunjukkan pukul 4 pagi. oops, 04:54 pagi tepatnya. yak, gw belom tidur!
ada yang bilang (my own brain) bahwa gw orgnya serius. segala topik bawaannya langsung berat dan filosofis. aaaaahhh, i don’t want to be like that. [why?? what's wrong with that?] I dunno. mungkin apa gw merasa kurang bisa ‘fit in’ atau jadi ‘asik’ di antara temen2 gw?
tapi kayaknya blom ada yang komplain secara frontal ke gw deh. heeyy, bukannya mau care less about what other might be thinking? just be.
i think i’m an old soul.
apa sih, topiknya loncat2 ga jelas gini. [bodo... justru ini kan gunananya [yak, ngetik udah mulai ngaco] gw bikin jurnal ini…. mengatur pikiran, berlatih mengutarakan pendapat dan pemikiran].
hmmm, sambil liat download-an, udah 60% dari 26MB. Cepet loh download malam (err… pagi, err. dini hari gini)
. Dan sekarang udah 66%.
68
hehe
*scratch* i don’t know who i am. or whether or not i NEED to know who i am. what’s the point? am i trying to control my life and refusing to just let go?
a bit sleepy now. tidur deh abis downloadan selesai.
ADD nih. ngetik iya, mikir iya, cek download-an iya. as usual.
i think i’ll accept the job offer. yes, slaving away in an office once again. let’s see how long i’ll stay this time. looks like a great environment sih. plus, it has a cool acoustic guitar at the office. tehee.
it seems like i am going in reverse. i tried to regain childhood innocence after a premature maturity. trying to be younger when it is time to let the maturity blossom comfortably. ooh, i know. i do it to keep it from rotting away.
balance it out.
yah. ciao bella. i almost wanted to say ’sorry this entry does not make sense’. but i decided not to, because i do have the right to make a gibberish entry. it only costs <2kb of storage space and perhaps around 10kb bandwith anyway. *cough* geek *cough*
Yahoo! Messenger
